Three dirty words

Mood:  happy, but frustrated, like only the mother of a toddler can be-

When I first started being interested in boys, I remember wondering if I'd ever hear those three little words, feverishly whispered into my ear on a warm summer evening, before I reached the spinsterish age of 18.  You know, when 18 seems a lifetime away, and 'I love you' seems like an improbable string of words to be said together in your presence.  Those three little words, an overactive imagination, and too many pilfered romance novels fueled many a daydream back in the day.  Little did I know then that those three little words would pale in comparison to these: 

"I do it."

These are the three little words that fuel my days now.  They instill a sense of dread that can only be compared to the sense of dread brought on when accompanied by "scoot down please" at the doctor's office.

When spoken by a toddler, they are the most accursed words in the English language. 

"I thought you said you'd be here in 10 minutes," my friend said to me.  "I do it,"  I say, gesturing to Audrey.  "Oh."  There is no need for further explanation.  'I do it' suffices because anyone that's ever dealt with the whims of a 2 yr old daily understands what 'I do it' really means.

It means "I'll put on my own shoes," even if you have everyone else ready to go and are running a few minutes late.  Okay, so at least the shoes match (this time), but still...ever watch a toddler put them on the wrong feet first, then struggle with the (easy) Velcro, then insist on taking them off, putting them on the right feet, and struggling with the Velcro again?  It's agonizing.  While you listen to the garage door going up and the car starting? (Start for the medicine cabinet now, you'll be needing something extra strength.)  No amount of 'hurry up, we gotta go' will break their concentration.  I have a friend who used to put the kids shoes on after they were already strapped in their carseats just to avoid this.

It means "I'll brush my own teeth," and the walls, and the floor, and the sink...while making a fresco out of toothpaste on front of the bathroom cabinets.

It means "I'll dress myself today," in shorts when it's cold; in clothes that don't fit (but you haven't put away yet); in colors that don't match; in a bathing suit and patent leather Mary Janes; in my pajamas (when you are heading to the mall); or in tights (in the summertime.) 

It means "I'll comb my own hair," parting it like a bad comb-over; combing it so it sticks straight up;  omg, is that red gel, and will it wash out?  I have comb duels with her every day, and as for the boys...if it's laying flat, why mess with a good thing?

It means "I'll pour my own drink," even if there's no one else around, and then it means "I'll clean my own mess," while exploring the finger painting qualities of white grape juice.

All this independence, surely it is not a bad thing.  On some days, it can even be adorable.

However, on other days, "I do it" can be surpassed by its uglier, teeth-gnashing cousin, "I help you."

On these occasions, I not only need something extra strength, but also something 80 proof.

"Mommy, I yuv you." 

Okay, that works too.