Esplainin' for you

"LUUC-CCCY, you've got some esplainin' to do..." 

Okay, I took the plunge for the list, now here's the esplainin' for you. 

Ten Things I've Done...that you probably haven't:

1. I've had four c-sections. There must be something about me, but none of them would come out the 'normal' way.  It's my warm, nurturing womb, lol.  Actually, my dr had the gall to tell me it's because I have --get this-- a narrow pelvis.  WTF!!?  Of all the things I have to have be narrow, it has to be something no one is privy to except my dr?  Something no one sees??  Why couldn't it have been, oh, I don't know, my ass that was narrow?  No one says, "Oh, she's a lovely girl, such a nice narrow pelvis.."  "Man, you're hot!  I dig narrow pelvises!  Can I have your number?"  I tried the usual way with the first two (43 hrs with #1, and 12 hrs with #2) and after that, we just used the zipper.  Why be a hero?  "Just get the kid out!  I have to go and plow my fields!  And could you neaten things up when you're done?  Thanks!"  I wouldn't recommend 4 sections, though.  I got a lovely hernia parting gift that needed to be repaired when Audrey was only 10 weeks old.  Ahh, the joy of childbirth....that one, she owes me cleanup fees for wrecking the joint on her way into the world...maybe she'll be a nice plastic surgeon someday, and I'll forgive her, but only if she fixes EVERYTHING!

2. Experienced all my "firsts" with the same person, and married him. Aww.  It's true.  Met him right before I started high school, first boyfriend.  Pushed him off my porch, graceful girl that I am, when he attempted my first kiss.  We did better on that other important first, ;) and contrary to popular belief, we were actually indoors at the time.  He's been around for them all, and stuck around for the repeats.  So of course, I had to marry him.  No one else would have the willingness or patience to put up with me! 

3.  Wore two different shoes out in public, and neither Mr W nor I noticed.  Okay, you have to understand, we weren't on a date or anything.  We were on our way to the hospital for Ryan's delivery.  I was wearing two different pairs of fashionable Birkies at the time (one presentable for work, the uglies at home) and they were right next to each other by the door.  I never even checked, not that I could've seen my feet anyway.  He's a man, and about to deal with the whole hospital shebang, so of course he didn't look or notice.  When we got there and I went to do the requisite 'pee in this cup' I sat on the throne and looked down, and burst out laughing.  Different shoes.  Here I thought the nurses were looking at me because I was a stunning huge pregnant lady (not, lol).

4.  Puked down a hallway in the middle of an exam, then returned to finish taking it like nothing happened.  Can you say food poisoning and cramming late into the night?  It was general genetics, and was I ever grateful for the trashcan I made it to in the hall.  Oh, it was still a mess, and I have no recollection of how I did on the test, just, well, ewwww.

5.  Finished my last semester of college pregnant.  Talk about course load.  Never thought it would go that way, but it did.  Nolan had the grace to wait two weeks after my last final to arrive.  It's a good thing, b/c I barely fit behind my desk in that class at that point.  Hey, it was general genetics.  OOPS, gawd, I guess we know now how I fared on that other test, huh?  I did really well that semester, though, and I joke with him now about how he's already attended college :)  (remember son, go devils!)

6.  Shot a cop's gun. Yup.  Ok, so it's my husband's, but still, I did fire it once or twice.  Not at him, of course not... ;)

7.  Had my amnios analyzed by people I used to work with.  No pressure there, lol. I've had two amnios, Nolan's and Audrey's pregnancies, both for high MSAFP results.  I work in cytogenetics, which is just a fancy way of saying I analyze chromosomes, which is just a fancy way of saying "hey, she went to college, and all she does is count to 46 all day".  I wasn't in cyto until after Nolan was born, but the lab I worked in did his analysis, so I used to go pull his chart and stare at his karyotype when I worked there.  With Audrey, I had no access to tissue culture or anything, cuz it wasn't my lab doing it, but I knew the people handling it, and well, I made a few calls.  I've never seen hers, and I don't want to.  I'd just make myself nuts looking over every little detail, and I make myself nuts over the details of how I raise them everyday, I don't need to put any more pressure on myself, lol.

8.  Nursed my firstborn with my husband's grandmother literally in my lap, commenting on the quality of my milk.  Go ahead, cringe with me.  There's a fine line between tolerance and respecting your elders.  Oh, man was it ever hard not to mouth off to her, postpartum hormones and all, as she went on about Nolan "enjoying his beefsteak". OY!  But I bit the bullet, and Mr W eventually found a way to rescue me by distracting her into spilling the local gossip.  It's a good thing he did, because how do you explain to the dr, "Oh, she fell off the couch because of my elbow in her ribs"?

9.  Uttered the words:  "I don't want to hear any more about your balls" and "I wonder what I should make for dinner?"  in the same five minutes.  Oh, the things that I say when I'm driving...Ryan and Ben were bickering in the back seat of the van, and I heard all about it, with the capper being "ugh! ow, my balls!" "Ryan, I don't want to hear any more about your balls!!"  and then I turned and asked Nolan about dinner.  No subject is too delicate when you are raising boys, right?  Just doing my part to toughen them up for jr high.

10.  Saw my father-in-law (a true Southern gentleman)...naked.  My FIL is a real gentleman: "yes ma'am", opens doors, says "please" and "thank you", all in an adorable Southern accent that he's never really lost.  I was housesitting for them (I was still in high school) and so I had a key to the house.  I saw they were home, and let myself in, announcing my presence the entire time.  I saw someone was in the hall bathroom, which to me was the domain of Mr W's Mom, so I walked down the hall, announcing my presence all the while.  I turned into the doorway of the bathroom, and there stands my FIL, buck naked.  I didn't see anything but a naked side view, no parts (thank god for small favors); he was shaving, and well, I got the hell out of there in a hurry.  I made it home in record time, and as I walk in the door, my Mom's calling me to the phone, it's for me.  Oh, crap.  Here it comes.  "Hello?"  I squeak out.  --Laughter--"Hi, sweetie." OMG it's his MOM!  I'm banished for life..."Dear, are you ok?"  "Um, yeah." --more laughter--"Dear, that is the darkest shade of red I've ever seen Gene turn....thank you."  We chatted for a minute, and she kept on laughing, and I was not banished for life, but it did take me a while before I had the courage to look him in the eye again.  I chuckle when I think about it, and when we get together, Mr W likes to bring it up, to see us both turn red.  Gentleman that my FIL is, he still opens my doors, and we look each other in the eye all the time.  Hey, I've seen it all (well, most of it), what else can he do?  I'm grateful every day that he passed on his best qualities to Mr W.  Maybe I'll write him a thank you note, lol. "Dear Dad, thanks for showing Mr W how to be such a good polite loving man, and a wonderful father, and for bestowing on him your nice butt.  Love, Anna"   Yup, that should do the trick nicely.

And, ladies and gentlemen, there you have it.  The true stories behind my boring list. :)