Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Point the finger at me

Now I've done it...and I have only myself to blame...

I got home from work on Saturday, and was lounging around on my bed, with well, everyone.  Kids.  Husband.  One of the cats.

Nolan announces to me, with a bit of a mischievous glint in his eye:  "Hey, Mom, did Dad tell you about Audrey's new word?"

Uh-oh.  This can't be good... "No."

"Dad, can I tell her?  Can I say it?"

Oh, man.  Now I know it's not good... "Go ahead, son."

"Earlier, Mommy, Ben and I were online, and playing a game, and Audrey was trying to climb up on the side where she always sits, b/c she wanted to watch or play or something, but we told her "No" and she got mad.  She said: "You better let me do it, or Mommy's gonna beat your ass."

Now, before I go on, let me just say, that I have never, ever, beat anyone's ass.  I am not a huge spanker; while I may give the occasional pop on the butt, I certainly do nothing that would ever, ever, approximate "beat your ass."  However, in the course of my day, let's just say, for instance, that I've had enough.  To the point that I've become lax in my editing of language.  To the point that I'm threatening lives and such.  At this time, I have been known to say, "Knock that off, or I'm gonna beat your ass"  for dramatic effect only.  Dramatic effect can go a long way to both make them realize Mommy's indeed had enough, and also make me feel a bit better (in a comic relief kind of way, b/c really, "beat your ass" sounds ridiculous, once you hear it spout from your lips.) 


Nolan is giggling.  Mr W is giggling.  Well, of course, with all that mirth around her, Audrey decides she will repeat her statement for me.

I tried, really, really hard to keep a straight face.  Honest.  I bit the inside of my cheek.  I hid my face in my hand.

And then I burst out laughing.

Now, all the parents out there, you know what a big mistake that was.  I tried!  I really tried!  But the guffaws, well, that just egged her on.  She said it again.  As I wiped the tears from my face, it came to me in a flash--

"Sweetie, you're making Mommy cry because you are saying a bad word." 

Stroke of genius, right?  You should have seen the look on Mr W's face, he was so impressed--right before he mimed a Pinocchio nose in front of his face and pointed at me.

I think she even believed me, for half a second.  Before she started giggling, and I felt the smile betray my face as it spread from ear to ear.

To compound my guilt at teaching her bad language, she came into my room today, upset and near tears, muttering about happenings in the living room.

"Ben, he pushed me off.  I was playing the game with them <which really means she was bugging the big boys> and he pushed me off!" mutter, mutter... ?  Pushed?  I'm looking at her, thinking she doesn't look like anyone pushed her, I didn't hear any falling or anything like that...holy cow, all these years in Mommy U, I finally get my degree in Toddler Speak!  I know what she's saying!

But it's still not good.

"Honey, are you trying to say "Ben PISSED you off?"

"Yes, Mommy.  Ben pissed me off."

Oy.  I wonder, who did she hear that from?

Point your finger at me, and pass me that bar of soap, will ya? 

It's become apparent that I need to wash out my mouth.


rampage841512 said...

The joys of learning naughty language.  I remember those days, and the "ass beatings" I was threatened with if I ever said any of those words again.  

suzypwr said...

Somehow I managed to never, ever use those words around my daughter. She, to this day, doesn't say them around me, and I don't say them around her still. Go figure. But we both know them and use them elsewhere, lol! Actually I never said any of them, ever, until I was going through my divorce, LMAO!

Well, there is a family story about "damnflies" that I had to be retaught to call "flies."


perkysgrl said...

Little Kids and Learning those Naughty Words :o)

It is always the funnest part... lol...

I know what you mean about trying to keep a straight face and tell them that is a bad word, when in fact, we use them all the time... haha...

For a while, Ro's favorite word was Damn...

No more Damn for her, but she'll surely tell you if you say a bad word!

"Bad Word Mommy!!"


billandnae said...

LOL!  How old is she again?

Julie, my four year old, says ass, shit, what the hell? and knows the middle finger...she couldn't possibly have picked that up from me.....

inafrnz247 said...

Probably my biggest slips are when I drop something, hurt myself or get really stinking mad.  My girls know I am so naughty for saying them that they get upset.  Then I feel guilty as HE@@ but I'm glad they aren't repeating it and they really find it repulsive!  (PHEW!)  Great entry!  I love your way with words!

unicornsteph80 said...

Reminds me of when my 3 year old extended my daughters name. Something he picked up from his father of course. He insisted (for several weeks actually) on calling his sister by her full name and then adding you sonofabitch to the end of it. It was cute at first..........until he said it in church!  

My daughter picked up "damn it" from me when she was around 2 or 3. It was hilarious to watch her trying to open er bubbles, shaking with frustration, and then hear her growl "DAMN IT"! Another time that the smile or laughter couldn't be hidden. LOL

Great story. Thanks for hthe laugh.