Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Sweet dreams

Audrey sleeps about half the night in her bed.  Then she climbs in with us.  Nothing new, right?

Except that she wants to share my pillow, and that cuts into my dreamland real estate.  I couldn't understand that, until last night.

I still climb up into bed with her, and wait for her to fall asleep.  Yah, I know, you're not supposed to do that.  Or let them sleep in your bed.  Or hold them when they're sleeping babies.  "They'll never learn to fall asleep by themselves,"  the experts all say.


Those last moments with her at the end of the day, when she's drifting off, are one of my favorite parts of the day.  She settles in, and pats my cheek.  Or puts her arm around me.  I try not to look at her too much, or she looks right back at me, and we start giggling, and that's not a good thing when I want her to sleep.

As a result, I'm getting good at faking it.

I close my eyes, and sigh, letting my head drop a bit just so.  Breathe slowly, and deeply, peeking out once in a while to see if she's heading off.  If she catches me peeking, I flutter my eyelids so it looks like a reflex, and snuggle in again.

Snuggle in again on her pillow.  We share a pillow in her bed, and that's where she gets the notion to share mine when she climbs in with us.

I chuckled to myself last night as the 'aha' came over me.  Quietly, of course.

As I feel her falling asleep, I will lay there and watch her.  Smooth the errant hairs off her face, trying to preserve the image, because everyday, she looks a little older.

I remember doing this with her brothers, how Nolan always snuggled in close, and fell asleep; how Ben used to snuggle, then turn away, needing his space; and how Ryan also snuggled close to me before he graduated to just holding my hand, Audrey between us.

A coworker asked me the other day if I felt sad with each new milestone Audrey hit, because it would be the "last time" I saw a baby do that.

I've been pondering this question, a lot lately, trying to get a gauge for how I really feel.  So much of what happens around here is a "first time" with Nolan, that the "last times" sometimes pass me by before I realize they are gone.

Last night, as I slowed down with Audrey at the end of the day, I realized that I think this is what I will miss, when it finally comes to an end.  She will be the last that needs my assistance into dreamland. 

Oh, sure, there's the occasional nightmare that sends a kid to stand by the side of my bed, eyes wide with fear, staring at me until I wake up.  Or shaking me, which is Ryan's preferred method, one that has nearly cost him on arm on more than one occasion.

But how much longer, I wonder, will the tucking in last?

Because that is the milestone, I think, that's gonna bother me the most.  The evening someone says, "Night, Mom" and doesn't wait with impatient pajama persistence for me to come in and turn out the light.

So until then, I've decided that I'll be happy to share my pillow.

Even if it costs me a shoulder and a kidney in the process.


suzypwr said...

You can start tucking Scott in when the time comes, he will probably appreciate it :)


yaya1 said...


nerves05 said...

I just come across your journal today.
This is sooooo sweet. It brought tears to my eyes. I'm trying to get my daughter to stop sleeping with me. And now i wonder maybe i should hold on as long as i can because one day she will not want to be there. She just turned 7 last month. All of my kids slept with us. They will sleep in there own beds in due time. but she is the last i will have as well. And your right it will be a mile stone for me. All of my babys will be growing up. But one day there will be grandbabys. just as sweet and as beautiful as my own and we can cuddle for a while and then give them back.. A MEN ....
take care  :-)

jckfrstross said...

Enjoy they grow up way to fast:)


slyracing1 said...

Anna, there is nothing better in this world than children that grow up feeling loved...  They are confidant positive young adults... I wish I saw more of them at the High School!  The special rituals never stop they just get different!  Girl you should write a Mommy book for all of us....  Come over and check out my lucky cell phone in Ladies Lingerie!
Hugs with Love,

vangothy said...

Awwww, sweet!

tillysweetchops said...

What a beautifully poignant entry Anna; your tenderness was touching indeed. How fortunate you are to realise that these years of bloodshot eyes and cricked necks are to be treasured - hard to remember at times, I know!
Tilly x

tdgulledge said...

Oh I loved this entry and it is so true.  My 12  year old still wants me to tuck her in at night, and always asks how much longer I am going to be up....I remember when she was little she would go to sleep with her little arm wrapped around mine (in hopes that I couldn't sneak off once she was asleep) worked most of the time...I would doze off, and finally make my way to my bed at some awful late hour into the night....My son, always so worn out by the end of the day, did not need as much tuck in time as his sister, but he is the "morning" snuggler, creeping into our beds EARLY in the morning, and taking over my pillow!! Tammy

tdain2003 said...

yep... I'll take the boys who are like colts... all knees and elbows for as long as I can... because it's moving way too fast for my liking.  Damn, now I'm in tears and want to move them to my bed just to snuggle... I can't believe they're not in here yet... lol